I will survive

About me

I am a 31 years old male. I was born in a very dysfunctional family and I have been mentally and physically abused all my life. I have been hyper sexual, bipolar, dyslexia and I have had depression and anxiety all my life. All of them are genetic and I have got them from my parents. My personality is that I am a fighter and I fight to survive. I have gone to school. I have got my degree and now I have a great job and I have recently bought a nice house. If you see me out there you could never guess what kind of person I am. About four months ago I have started going to a great therapist and I am getting better and better by the day. I am not a great writer and I am very bad in spelling and grammar but I have started writing almost everyday now on what goes on in my head and what is my thought pattern. I have a very wild imagination and since I am a hyper sexual person there is going to be lots of crazy and nasty thoughts that I am gone be writing about. I am just writing this blog to see if there is any body with similar personality as mine out there and I am hoping to learn something new from them.

My future wife.

1. Who do I want as a friend?

I want a girl who likes the nature and likes to travel. I like a girl who would rather spend time with me than going out with her friends every weekend. I want my future wife to enjoy doing some sport activities. I want my future wife to be an animal lover. I want my wife to be open-minded and not to be picky about everything. I want my wife to be someone who is mentally stable and doesn’t go into major mood swings. I want a wife who has a happy personality, natural beauty and a beautiful smile. I want a wife who has not been mentally or physically abuse in the past. I want my wife not to be a high maintenance girl. I want my wife to be Christian Catholic or Muslim. I want her to believe in God and being a good person but not a fanatic religious person. I want her to be smart and have a high self-steam. I want a wife who wouldn’t mind showing affection in public. I want a wife who would appreciate me for who I am.

 

2.  Who do I want to be my partner?

I want someone who is educated with some college degree. I want someone who understands how much is my income and not expect any better life than what I can effort. I want a wife who is not high maintenance and knows how to spend our money wisely.

 

3. Who do I want to be as my wife?

I want her to be beautiful and not too short. I want her to love sex. I want her to like foreplay before sex. I want her to be strong and not panic under pressure. I want her to be done with school so she can concentrate on our kids. I want a wife who has lots of patient. I want a wife who is not superficial. I want her full of confident. I want her to love me and show that she loves me. I want her to have a normal family with no mental problems. I don’t want some one who was bad and now she is good. I want some one who has always been normal. I want a wife who gives me her full attention.

I want her to be from any ethnicity preferably white South American or middle eastern. They should have a cute face but most importantly they should have a small waist and a curvy body and they should all be real. They must have long hair down to their waste. They must be between the ages of 24 to 32. They must have lots of sexual energy but not too hyper when I talk to them. I want her to walk sexy. I want her to get wild in bed.

 

4. Who do I want to be a mother of my children?

I want her to have lot of patient. Not get angry easily. Not scream and yell when she is angry with the kids. Know what is right and wrong for the kids. I want her to be not to overprotective of the children. I want her to be clean so my children will learn how to be clean. I want her to let children play and brake things and do what ever they want to do up to 5 years old. I want her not to get violent with our kids. I want her to work part time and give quality time to our kids.

I must have the courage to confront my abuser.

Today while I was sitting at work I tried to lesson to my inner self. I was thinking about my past and I remembered what my therapist has told me recently. She said we have so far talked about all the thing that has happened to you up to seventeen years old and based on what you promised you should have put all of them behind you and don’t let them bother you any more. I told her yes nothing bothers me any more up to that age but now the more I think about there is one thing that still bothers me and that is fear. In this world there are only two people that I fear. One is my cousin who sexually abused me when I was eight years old and the other is my aunt’s husband who physically abused me when I was nine years old. I specially fear my cousin and lately I have been thinking about confronting him and tell him what he has don to me and how it has mentally affected me all my life. Every time I think about confronting him I feel like I am gone crumble to my knees. I just get really scared. But enough is enough I am gone write about what I am going to tell him and practice it many time and in the near future I'll have the courage to go and tell him how he has hurt me all my life.

I should learn to look at my inner self

So yesterday I was looking at my emotional log and I realized that %50 of the time I am neither angry, frustrated or depress. I am a little anxious but I believe that is normal and every body get anxious when they are socializing with a stranger. As far as my hypersexuality goes if I masturbate every other day it should take the frustration out of me until I find a girl friend. It seem like the other %50 of the time that I am depress and angry it is basically out of my control and I am gone be angry, frustrated and depress no matter what. It is just part of my bipolar disease. Hopefully the meds will just decrease the intensity of it. So if I can learn to socialize to the max in that %50 of the time that I am doing ok I will be fine and in the other %50 of the time that I am not doing so well I’ll just spend my time in the house away from people. Most importantly I should learn to look at my inner self, lesson to my thoughts and understand how I am really feeling.  

Daily emotional log

anger attacks starting from 10-01-09:

duration     date           reason

.5 night 10-25-09 I couldnt stop caughing and I couldnt go to the gym because i was

hungry and it was too late after I ate.

1.25 days  10-30-09  I had verbal argument with my sister, some one mocked me at work.

1.0 day 11-5-09 angry from being hypersexual. it is very iritating not to have sex or masturbate.

1.0 day 11-12-09 angry from having low self steam manic thoughts in my dreams and not being able to sleep.

1.0 day 11-13-09 angry from having low self steam manic thoughts in my dreams and not being able to sleep.

.5 days 11-18-09 angry from coughing and my dog broke a glass.

1 days  11-21-09 angry for the dog not lessening to me.

depression attacks starting from 10-01-09:

duration     date           reason

.5 days     10-21-09  hearing dad crying on the phone sitting in the car alone.

.5 days     10-26-09   deciding to take a coworker to lunch, who to choose since nobody like me at work. also the big boss coming too and i dont like him. I go online a lot at work i might get fire. also had anxiety.

1.25 days  10-30-09  I had verbal argument with my sister, some one mocked me at work. also I was angry and frustrated.

1 day 11-05-09 I got depress after writing about the hard time I had when I was 17 years old. then I got hypersexual after looking at the picture of a girl from my hometown.

1 day 11-06-09 I am still depress from yesterday.

1 day 11-07-09 I am still depress (in the morning)

1 day 11-08-09 I am still depress (after noon)

1 day 11-09-09 I am depress. writing goodbye letter to my abuser.

1 day 11-12-09 I am depress.just exhausted

1 day 11-13-09 I am depress.just exhausted

1 day 11-18-09 I am depress in the afternoon. tried to sell my watch but it didn't work. think about holly days being all alone with out a partner or healthy family.

1 day 11-19-09 I am depress from yesterday.

sex urges starting from 10-01-09:

.5days  10-16-09 homosexual

.5days  10-22-09 homosexual

.5days  11-02-09 heterosexual

1 days  11-06-09 heterosexual, masturbation:2: started from a erotic dream I had.

1 days  11-07-09 heterosexual

1 days  11-08-09 heterosexual, masturbation:1

1 days  11-11-09 heterosexual masturbation:1 no sexual erge

1 days  11-12-09 heterosexual masturbation:1 just felt lonely, no sexual erge

1 days  11-14-09 heterosexual, masturbation:1

1 days  11-17-09 heterosexual, masturbation:1

1 days  11-19-09 heterosexual, masturbation:1

1 days  11-21-09 heterosexual, masturbation:1

I am sick and tired of this routine life.

I am sick and tired of this routine life. I can’t take it any more. I feel like I am trapped in a bird cage with no place to go. I think I am just gone get in my car and just drive. Just drive and see the places that I always wanted to see. I have thought about this many time but I always backed out because I just didn’t feel safe sleeping in my car but what is the difference I am dieing here any ways with no way out. At least I might enjoy it out there and live trough it with having some good memories. Plus I am gone take my germanshepherd with me so I’m sure no one would want to harm me anyways......never mind few hours have passed now and I changed my mind. This was just on of my manic thoughts and I am just gone ignore it. 

This is me.

Yesterday during my brake from work I thought about it and I am just really sick and tired of all these. Maybe I should just accept who I am. I am a moody person who is hypersexual. I mean this is me. I have been fighting all my life to change my self but it just hasn’t work so far. I don’t know maybe I should just move on with my life. Do the things I like and don’t wait any more for things to get better. Maybe I should just talk to people and don’t care if they are gone like me or not. I am moody and hypersexual and if they don’t like it well they can go f….. them selves.

This dream felt so real.

Last night I had a dream. i dream that I was riding my bike by the freeway. Some old lady in her late 40’s stopped. She was in beat up car. She said well I’m sorry but do you want to come to my house. I knew what she wanted she wanted sex but even in my dream I knew I had promised not to sleep just with anybody. But out of curiosity I said what am I gone get. She said a soda. I said what else. She pulled down her pants. Pulled down her panties and she said you can have this. Also just let you know my girlfriend is waiting there for me too if you don’t mind you can have her too… then I woke up. I had no choice. I had promised my self not to masturbate and it has been 37 days since the last time I masturbated. This dream was so real that when I woke up I knew what I had to do. I start watching porn and masturbating. I know that masturbating is normal and everybody does it and in my case if I can control it to one time a month it would be fantastic.....well I just got back home from work and masturbated again.... I dont know man!?!?!???

Yesterday I had another hypersexual attack.

Yesterday I had another hypersexually attack. I was writing about all my mental abuses at the age of 17 years old. All the bad memories started coming back in my head and I had to stop writing. I was depress for about three hours after that. I was checking my mail and I saw the picture of an old friend. Oven though she is unattractive I started fantasizing about having sex with her and for the rest of the day I wanted sex really bad. I did not masturbate. I was edgy the whole day. I couldn’t socialize and I had anxiety. I went to my therapist the same day and I told her about it she said she is going to do some research to find out what she can do for me. I also called my psychiatrist and told him that I am fed up with being so hypersexual all the time. I told him I am hypersexual almost one or two times a week and it is really disturbing my daily life. I asked him if he could give me some medication for it and he said no. He said just hang in there and the medication that I am taking for my bipolar will do the job. I know the bipolar medication has helped me with my depression, anxiety and rush thoughts but I have taking it almost 5 months now and I having seen any improvement in my hypersexuality. This is very irritating. I just want this to stop right now. I am sick and tired of it.

Yesterday was a great day.

Yesterday was a great day. I did something really interesting that I haven’t done before. After the Dr. found out that I was doing a lot better in my recovery, he told me to reward my self and buy something for my self. So I did and it felt so good. I was happy the whole day. It kind of motivated me to be more patient in my recovery.  

It is time for me to grow up.

Today I realized that I have a long way to go until I grow up. I complained to my doctor about someone who bothers me at work. He told me “why do you heat up your coffee so much? “ I told the Dr. that I do know that there is absolutely no reason for me to be bothered by him but I just can’t stop myself. I told her that I am just irritated that I don’t really know how to respond when he makes stupid comments like that. I told her that I can’t just stay quiet like a looser and I must confront him but I really can’t because I am at work and I have to act professionally. She told me why you even have to confront him. Why don’t you just respond to him with something like: “I don’t know, how many?... what’s in it to you anyways?” She told me if someone said something that really bothers you why you don’t just tell them that “you don’t appreciate them saying that so please stop.” And they will just stop. I told her that I never knew that. When ever I was verbally abuse in high school I would just try to act like it is not bothering me hopping that they would stop. I had experienced that if I showed them that I don’t like them saying something or doing something they would just continue doing it since they knew this is how they can make me irritated. And they would really enjoy doing that for the rest of my high school years. Dr. told me to grow up. Adults wouldn’t react like that. If you tell them that you don’t appreciate them doing something they will stop.